Stranger Danger? Maybe

By Shay

I did not teach my children “never talk to strangers,” that all-too-common line that makes every unknown person a danger. Nor did I teach- or model for them the idea that every stranger is “just a friend you have not met.” I am certain that if we never talked to strangers, we would never meet potential new friends, but I temper that with commonsense cautiousness.

When my then-3-year-old daughter and I were at the local shopping mall, we spotted a man who had the most unusual walking stick, hand-carved with a snake undulating up its length, and embedded with semi-precious stones. We were both fascinated and curious, so I stopped him for a chat. The "stranger" told us that he had carved the stick himself, and collected the stones while on rock hound vacations with his family when the kids were young. We learned that his entire family had been into gem hunting and cutting, and that common interest was the center of their leisure time and a source of many happy memories. My daughter and I expressed appreciation for his work of art, and I thanked him for taking the time to share his story.

As my little girl and I continued on our walk around the mall, we passed by the little county police booth off the food court. A staffer saw my daughter and came out to offer her a McGruff the Crime Dog pencil and a coloring book, and proceeded to tell her she should "never talk to strangers!" and I almost burst out laughing.

According to personal safety expert and author Gavin De Becker , the police rep was more likely a danger—by virtue that she approached my daughter—than the man with the remarkable stick, whom we chose to approach. Of course, I used both of those encounters as examples of being open to approaching new people, and being cautious about those who approach us.

The majority of perps are not strangers; they know their victims, and gradually encroach, planning out every step, wooing the kids with friendship, attention, and special treatment. I know this from experience. Yes, it happened to me, and because of that, I have taught my children to trust their instincts, to worry about personal safety first, and “being nice” second.

Through example and careful words throughout their lives, I have let my children know that you can't recognize a perp by looking at him (I say "him" because most offenders are male), and that they have the right to say “NO!” to anyone whose presence or behavior makes them feel uncomfortable. This was reinforced by their taking the radKIDS  and RAD  self-defense courses, which provide interactive, physical lessons in defending bodily integrity.

My children’s “lessons” in self-protection have been learned slowly over time, gently, and as appropriate. For instance, they have long known that adults have no business asking them for assistance, that adults should ask other adults for help. I have told my daughters that, if anyone approaches in a car, they are to walk in the opposite direction from the way the car is heading, and go to an area where there are a lot of people. They know that if they are lost or in trouble, they should seek assistance from someone—preferably a woman—working nearby, and they should not look for a security guard, because, statistically, most of them are ill-trained at best, and may be dangerous themselves.

I am proud that my daughters know that predators exist, and that my girls know they can stand up for themselves when need be. I am also pleased that they understand that strangers do not necessarily represent danger, that they are comfortable in a variety of situations. It is immensely satisfying to know that my children’s lives will be uncolored by the taint of abuse, that they are free to be who they are, to live confidently in the world, and enjoy it.

Shay Seaborne  is an edgewalker, known to leap empty-handed into the void. Fun and magic are crucial elements in the design of her life. Shay filed her first Notice of Intent to homeschool in Virginia in 1995. She loves living and learning with her two daughters, who are turning out well despite being raised far from the turbid waters of the mainstream. Shay’s homeschool blog is called, “Anecdotal Evidence,” and her Web site is SynergyField.com.

Comments

[JoVE]

Thanks for writing this. We so rarely see sensible advice on this topic. And I think many people are raising kids to be fearful rather than giving them useful tools to avoid harm.

A friend had a good story about a police talk about stranger-danger to a school group. His nephew came home and talked about all the things he had learned and the boy's dad then asked "What's a stranger?" The kid had no idea.

[Shauna]

The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children's web site says that teaching children the "stranger danger" message is confusing and not effective and that the biggest child safety myth is that danger to children comes primarily from strangers.

[Susan]

Great post! I got so much out of Gavin De Becker's book, Protecting The Gift. I want my children to be aware, not fearful. Helping our children learn to trust their intuition is one of the best things we can do... giving them confusing (and anxiety provoking) messages like "don't talk to strangers" doesn't serve to protect their wellbeing or allow them to develop their instincts.

[Jan]

What do you think about the Stranger Safety DVD starting "Safe Side Superchick" made by John Walsh and the founder of the Baby Einstein video? I love it. It's not really an "anti-stranger" video..actually, it's done in a positive, upbeat way and teaches children tools like saying, "Help, this is not my mom!" My four year old got a lot out of it but wasn't scared or upset while viewing it. Here's my review:

http://childrenstv.suite101.com/article.cfm/award_winning_stranger_safety_dvd

[Martin Saenz]

That is a very interesting story about talking to strangers. Appears you have a good balance with your teachings.

[Jan]

Yes, it's the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children that put out this DVD. The actress talks to the children about "kinda knows" such as teachers, soccer coaches, etc.

[Teresa]

I agree completely, Shay. I always tell my children that if they happen to get separated from me to immediately find another 'Mama' and ask her to help them. There's no guarantee that the woman they choose will actually be a 'Mama' but just about any woman who helps will be better than a security guard or other man in 'uniform'. The whole 'Stranger-Danger' concept is really sad when you consider that the people who pose the greatest danger to children are those who are trusted by them and their families. Unfortunately the usual scenario does not make for sensational press like 'stranger' abductions/abuse does! How often do we see headlines such as "Child Repeatedly Abused by Mother's Boyfriend/Trusted Family Friend/Clergy/Uncle/Step-Brother, etc."? It might make us feel safer to think that the greatest danger is from strangers but it's just not so.