My Educational Philosophy - Get a Life

by Marjorie

"Get a life" was a comment I received fairly recently on my blog, unclimber. The particular post was a link to an article which I discovered I had previously linked to on that blog, so perhaps that is why anonymous left his comment. For a moment, I felt a bit upset to get what seemed to be only a mean-spirited comment. Then I realized it was an opportunity for reflection.   

What was meant by that comment? I assumed that the commenter was deriding the focus I put on my children. Does that mean I should put my children in school?  Will that then give me a life? Would I need to be a parent volunteer at school or should I get a part-time or full-time job? How exactly does one get a life? And what makes one choice more life-ful than the choice I have made to homeschool? What is a life, after all?

The irony is that in ruminating on "get a life", I realized that it sums up my educational philosophy. As I am constantly saying, I unschool because I can't teach with a text. If my daughter can learn from a text or a workbook, she is free to do that. I just don't want to sit with her and read (what I think are) boring instructions for (what I think are) boring exercises that strike me as pointless.  I'd much rather get a life and do something and I'd rather for my daughter to get a life and learn something she thinks is worth learning. (This is not to say that I judge others who use texts to be in need of a life - life can be lived using textbooks. I just don't want it for my life.) Granted, I direct what she learns simply by what I make available to her in the house. One of my passions is to stock our home library, mostly with books from used book sales. I grab anything that I think might be interesting or useful or educational or about a subject in which my daughter has shown an interest. When she peruses books from our shelves, she is most likely reading something I thought was worthwhile, or at least, fun. I also take her to the library where her selection is much greater (and her choices let me know what her interests are).

Likewise, we engage in activities that interest us. I steered my eldest to Irish dance after she told me she no longer wanted to take ballet. I thought Irish dance might be more active than the slower work of learning poses in ballet and that would be more interesting to her. After the first month of Irish dance, I was reluctantly willing to drop it when she said it was too tiring. She ended up rallying after an understanding teacher suggested she try a few more lessons before we committed further. Now in her second year, she loves it and has inspired my younger daughter to take classes.

It took me some time to realize that in homeschooling, I should be careful not to force my idea of how I wanted to live my life on my kids. This was a bit tough for me to learn when I strongly urged my eldest to take a Shakespearean drama class which I thought she would enjoy and which would fit in with her desire to take more drama classes. After weeks of trying to persuade her to take the class, I realized that I wanted to take the class and that is simply not a good enough reason to put her in it. I also realized that if I want to do something, I should do it, not try to live my life through my children. I don't have the same opportunities that my kids do, but that is no reason to make them do what I cannot.

There are times, though, when I have included my children in an activity that I wanted to do, even if they didn't want to do it as much as I did. Volunteering at Farm Skills was one example. In the beginning, they were very eager, but they tired of our weekly commitment after awhile. We continued because I enjoyed it and because I had made the commitment. I think they learned from our experience and it wasn't bad for them - it was simply an example of how living our lives as a family means that no one person dictates the activities of everyone else. Sometimes they decline to do an activity I would like them to do, other times, they have to adapt to do an activity that I want to do. This approach seems balanced to me and is a way that we all get to live our own lives together. Homeschoolers or not, I think a lot of families look for activities that they can do together, in which they don't have to be split apart. What is nice about homeschooling is that some of these activities can occur during the week and earlier in the day, rather than waiting for afternoons or weekends -- times when such activities are often crowded.

Our friendships are an extension of our lives. Linda wrote a wonderful post about finding friends as homeschoolers and noted that there is the added component that the parents need to get along just as much as the children do. This has been my experience as well. We don't play with children whose parents I don't like - it's a reciprocal process, we don't invite them over and we don't get invitations from them. However, park days provide an opportunity for the kids to play despite this obstacle, just as would happen at school during recess. Maybe with homeschoolers, we get the opportunity to find out whether we like the parents, unlike school parents who may not know the parents of their children's playmates. Having to find friends where the entire family gets along is an extension of how we live our lives -- it is a problem at times when friends seem scarce. The benefit of this lifestyle is that when we do find families in which the parents like each other and the kids like each other, it creates a wonderful community that feels holisitic, even intimate. To know another family as a unit and as individuals is a gift. I think that is part of what religious communities are for and I'm glad that I can find this outside of church. Another benefit is that while the family needs to get along, I have found that there is plenty of room for varying political and religious views. While Linda's post expressed that differences on these issues can prevent friendships from forming, I've found that once the friendship is formed, the differences on these issues become less divisive and more educational. To be able to understand someone else's point of view, especially when you disagree with it, is one of the most important lessons my children can learn.

If anything, by homeschooling we are trying to live our lives holisitically, to their fullest, integrating the various parts rather than compartmentalizing ourselves to different spheres of work, school, kids, and marriage. That's my life and I wouldn't want to get another.

Perhaps by "get a life" the commentor on my blog was just expressing that he didn't like my blog and was suggesting I spend my time doing other things. In that case, never mind.

Marjorie has been homeschooling her two young daughters for justa few years. Her family chose homeschooling for the freedom it afforded them -- freedom from the school schedule and calendar; freedom to follow her children's interests; freedom from labeling and categorizing her children; and freedom from testing and homework. She enjoys volunteering with her state's inclusive homeschool association and writing on her blog, unclimber.

Comments

[Nesting Momma]

what a great post. I enjoy your blog!!!

[Summer]

I always thought that people who had the time to leave "get a life" comments were crying out for their desperate need to get a life of their own. :) But I like your though process much better.

[Cindy]

Absolutely wonderful post! Thank you. :)

[priscilla]

"I have found that there is plenty of room for varying political and religious views...I've found that once the friendship is formed, the differences on these issues become less divisive and more educational."
We've found the exact same thing over the years -- which I totally didn't expect -- and absolutely love it! I consider it one of the biggest benefits my children receive from homeschooling. They're learning about others -- and helping others learn about us.

[ricki]

When I hear "get a life" from someone (which I don't often, fortunately), what I hear is "I do not understand the choices you are making, nor do I value them, and I think you should conform more to my worldview."

Which isn't a whole lot nicer than "get a life," if less abrupt.

Personally, I'm glad there are people out there who have lives that are different from mine where they pursue different interests. Even if those interests are not my own.

[Science for Children]

Very nicely written rebutal!
Ricki you summed up what most individuals mean by "get a life" very nicely. If only they could state their thought as well as you, then maybe it would not come across so negative and mean-spirited.