Arrogant Homeschoolers

by Tammy

Recently, I, and all of my homeschooling friends, were accused of being arrogant. It was a comment on my blog, in response to my Real Cons of Homeschooling piece.

This was not the first time I've heard this kind of comment. So I wasn't surprised by it. But I was pleasantly surprised by one of the homeschooling moms who responded, Mary. As part of her apt observation, she concluded that, “Homeschooling is forging your own path. That absolutely takes a degree of courage, confidence and fortitude. Because we must be firm in our resolve (even when feeling doubts), it may come off as arrogance.”

It made me realize that a lot of what might be considered arrogance to one person, is something else entirely when seen from a different point of view. I wondered if maybe because I am a homeschooler, I wasn't seeing the truth. Perhaps it all depends on how we look at it. So, I looked up the meaning of "arrogant".

According to the online dictionary.com, arrogance means ""overbearing pride evidenced by a superior manner toward inferiors" or
"displaying a sense of being better than others". In order to be arrogant, there is an active belief of being better than other people, or considering them our inferiors.

Understanding this, there are two main reasons why homeschoolers can come across as arrogant. First, by talking about things like we know it all, and nobody else "gets it" but us. And secondly, by choosing to homeschool because we think we are better than teachers.

But the more I think about it, the more I wonder, are homeschoolers any more arrogant than anyone else? Is choosing to homeschool more arrogant than choosing private school, or even public school? Where do we draw the line between making a choice because it is the best for us, and being arrogant? And if homeschoolers are arrogant because they have an opinion that is different than the masses, and choose a path that is different than the majority of families, does that also make every single one of our non-conforming opinions and choices arrogant?

I've discovered that, as a writer and local spokesperson for alternative education, having an opinion (especially an informed one) and not coming across as arrogant is a very difficult skill. When someone says something to me that contrasts with what I have learned and understand, it is difficult to phrase my response so I'm holding on to my opinion without making the other person feel like they don't know what they are talking about.

I remember when I was in college and grad school. Many of the professors there made it clear to me, that between me and him, which one of us was the smartest of the two. But there was one teacher, who, no matter what incoherent jibberish I managed to convey to him, he always found a way to give it merit. Always. Then, he would correct me. Or state his opinion. His approach amazed me, because it was so different than the rest of the faculty.

He proved to me that it is possible to have a strong opinion, yet not be arrogant. It's hard, though. And over time, I realized that the other profs in my department weren't being arrogant. They were focused. Not only that, but they had gone through the same process I was going through, got through it, and now were at a point where they had to constantly defend themselves in journals, among their peers, and at conferences. That trickled down to the students. They weren't being arrogant, they were focused and in a habit of defending themselves and what they knew.

The parallel to the homeschooling world is that we spend a lot of time defending ourselves against naysayers. Being a homeschooler requires quite a bit of skin-thickening. It is indeed possible to listen to the other side, but when we've heard the same arguments over and over, and then explained our position over and over, it gets old. It's not old to the person who is questioning us, but it's old for us. It is difficult to hold on to infinite patience with questions, and especially accusations.

But even in cases where we give the questions (which we've heard a million times) a true balanced listen-to, we can still be considered arrogant, simply because we are choosing something that is different. Having been told that I'm arrogant, even when I've given every attempt to listen to and accept the other person's view on education, I realized that in general, it is human nature to tend to think people are more arrogant when we disagree with them.

The flip side to that, is if we totally agree with someone, we have a very low likelihood of seeing them as arrogant.

Perhaps homeschoolers, to some degree, are arrogant. But, aren't we all then? And how are homeschoolers more arrogant than teachers? How are we more arrogant than any parents? How are we more arrogant than someone who flies their own plane, cooks their own meals or adds an addition to their own house? By saying "we can do this", is that being arrogant? To me, being arrogant is "I can do this, and you can't, and I'm better than you because of it." And I don't see anyone in the homeschooling world saying that. In fact, the message is quite the opposite: "I can do this, and so can you."

Another implication in saying that homeschoolers are arrogant, is that we think we can educate our kids better than trained, certified teachers, merely by making the choice not to have teachers be our children's full time educators. Although that may be true from a certain perspective, the choice to rarely comes from *just* that opinion. It's not a personal affront to teachers. The choice to educate at home is much bigger than whether we think we're better than teachers. Saying that homeschoolers are arrogant because we think we're better than school teachers is taking a very small issue and making it into a huge deal.

Or perhaps it's comparing apples to oranges. If we say that we can educate our kids at home better than they would get at school - what we really mean is that it's different. It's like saying I can ride a bike better than I can rollerblade. They are both ways to get from point A to point B, but they are not at all the same. Even though I think that biking is a "better" way to get to my destination, and that I can do it "better" than other people, it doesn't mean that the merits of rollerblading are lessoned - especially for those who like to rollerblade. We can educate differently, and with different tools. It's not even the same job that teachers do. We aren't saying we can do a teacher's job better than she can, but that the route we are taking works better for us than the route the teachers (and schools) take.

I think what is missing the most out of the discussion about arrogance, is that most homeschoolers aren't saying they can do it better than school teachers at all. We must remember that every homeschooling family has a different reason for their choice. There are a lot of homeschoolers who probably do think that teachers can do just as good, if not better, job than they can, but are homeschooling because of food allergies or because they move often, or for reasons that have nothing to do with how good or bad school is. And many homeschoolers don't have an opinion on it one way or the other. Accusing all homeschoolers of being arrogant is making the same mistake that happens repeatedly with negative feedback from non-homeschoolers - overgeneralization from not understanding that homeschoolers are not all the same.

It may be that the loudest voices proclaim the advantages of homeschooling, but the vast majority of homeschoolers are quietly going about their life, and don't have one thing to say about it other than, "This works the best for us."

Mary, who I quoted above, wrote a post about arrogance at her attachlings blog. She pointed out that there is a difference between being strong and resolute in our position, and being arrogant. And that we have a choice how we say what we have to say. That much of what might be considered arrogance is actually another form of hostility. I agree. And I do believe that there are arrogant and/or hostile homeschoolers out there. But no more than there are arrogant and hostile schoolers or parents in general.

Being arrogant is a choice. We can decide whether we think other people are inferior to us, or our equals. But other people thinking we're arrogant, that isn't under our control. As with anything else in life, we can change some things, but the rest, all we can do is let go. If we act and speak with integrity, we don't need to justify or apologize for being thought of as arrogant.

As for whether homeschoolers are arrogant, the answer is overall no, sometimes yes, but really, does it matter?

Tammy Takahashi lives and learns with her three children (10, 7 and 4) and supportive husband in California. She is the author of Deschooling Gently: A Step by Step Guide to Fearless Homeschooling. She also serves as the editor of the California HomeSchooler magazine, a bi-monthly publication for the Homeschool Association of California. You can read more from her about education and homeschooling on her website. And you can email her at tammy.takahashi @ gmail(dot)com.

Comments

[lori]

"If we say that we can educate our kids at home better than they would get at school - what we really mean is that it's different."

Yeah, this is what I was thinking as I read your post. It's not that I think I can teach my kids school subjects better than a public or private school teacher can. I'm sure many of them can do science and math better than I can (which doesn't mean that I can't do them at all, though), for example. But I'm offering my kids a different kind of education (and lifestyle) altogether. It's a different environment, a different schedule, a different educational approach, a different set of expectations and relationships, etc. It's just completely different.

I do think homeschooling is better for my kids - otherwise I wouldn't be doing it. But this makes me no different from people who send their kids to private school or charter schools.

I think sometimes people interpret "this is better for me" as "I'm doing something that's better than what you're doing." If you're happy, your kids are happy, and you go to the beach on a 'school day' (flaunt your 'rule breaking') - and you openly talk about these things - then others think you're indicting them for not doing the same thing. Or they think you're gloating (arrogance). They receive the conversation as being about them as much as it is about you.

I'm not sure why, but it may be that when people make choices that are strikingly different from 'the norm,' it makes other people uncomfortable because it challenges (in their minds) their choices.

I've experienced something similar this year with a neighbor, who, since I started homeschooling this fall, can't seem to stop telling me how much her kids like school and look forward to going back every time there's a break. It's like she's compelled to justify sending her kids to school. I asked, for example, 'how were your holidays?' and she moved from the holidays themselves right into a discussion of school break and how ready her kids were to go back because they really do like school and get bored at home, etc., etc.

So honestly, I think that some of the arrogance claims are being made by people who are uncomfortable with how homeschoolers make them feel about their own choices. (I'm sure this interpretation makes me sound arrogant, too!) So they get defensive and attack the person rather than address their feelings.

And that's my short comment on the matter. ;-)

[Tana]

I so appreciate all the things you have to say about such real topics, Tammy. I've faced similar issues with things like breastfeeding, cloth diapering, natural birth, etc. and I never knew how to handle it. Your blog and essays like these have brought sanity to so many areas of my life, not just our decision to homeschool. And I've found that when I take the correct attitude in the first place, I get a lot less flack on my decisions. (Though we have yet to tell MIL that we're homeschooling...still, I am sure it will go better than any of the other stuff we have done differently than how she did it.)

[Laura]

Great article. I am a homeschooler who is new to unschooling. I have observed and mildly experienced what I thought initially was an arrogant attitude, an "overbearing pride evidenced by a superior manner toward inferiors", from experienced unschoolers who answer newbie questions in support group forums. But after careful reading I see that the veterans are mostly trying to challenge assumptions, which is a hard job! I think the concept of homeschooling, and maybe especially unschooling, presents incredible challenges to popular assumptions about education, family, home, and society. When we describe our lives, lifestyles, and choices, people react strongly one way or the other and can project their fears onto us. Paradigm shifts are scary and sometimes it's easier to blame the messenger than seriously consider the message.

[KrisB]

I do think that homeschoolers are often perceived as arrogant. When speaking with people who have kids in public school there seems to be an unspoken assumption that because we choose to homeschool - for whatever reason - we must feel that our choice makes us superior. I know I've felt the glare from people who seem to think I'm judging them based solely on my family's personal choice to learn at home. I have noticed a change in the past few years though. It seems that the responses in general to our home education choice have been largely more positive than they ever were ten years ago.

[On Living By Learning]

I never thought of myself as arrogant. Usually, I think of myself as a self-confident do-it-yourselfer who is often out of sync with others.

Thanks for the reality check! I'll try to appear more humble in the future - even if I'm always right!

[Sunniemom]

Some folks think we are arrogant for HSing because we live in a school district that gets 'Excellence' ratings every year. I can never seem to get them to understand that I don't home educate 'just because' of the quality (or lack thereof) of public schools. It is a purposefully chosen lifestyle for us that stems from some of our deeply held beliefs about family and life and learning.

I think it's weird that if I am excited about something we are doing at home, others' responses are often more about why they don't homeschool than about what I actually said. Get a grip, people- my being enthusiastic about our home life is not a condemnation of PS any more than someone excited about their kid being on the honor roll or making the soccer team is a condemnation of homeschooling. Sheesh.

[Deb]

I think that the choice to give our children a better education than the public schools can is INDEED a commentary on teachers, and the public school system in general.

Public school teachers are poorly prepared, fairly poorly paid, and the work is thankless nowadays...mainly because the majority of parents don't care about their kids' education as we homeschoolers do, and because teachers are subject to rules like NCLB. So the brighter people no longer, as a rule, go into education, and so they won't be the people educating our kids. I want people who KNOW STUFF to educate my kids.

My husband is a math professor at an engineering school, and incoming classes are increasingly poorly prepared in mathematics. It gets worse almost every year. It's so sad...young people who want to be scientists are having that door slammed in their faces because they can't do the math that they were supposed to have learned in earlier grades. So, his university is setting up a special summer math institute for high school math teachers...not to teach them *how to teach*, but to teach them the math that they need to know so that they can find a way to prepare their own students. The teachers, as a rule, can't really do math, can't answer questions about "why do I need to learn this?"

For us, yes, the homeschooling lifestyle is great, and being unbound from someone else's arbitrary constraints, and all that...but fundamentally, we're educating the kids at home because we can do it better than the public schools can (and we also live in one of those "excellent" school districts).

If I were to deny this, then it serves to prop up a system that is failing. We need more people to say clearly that the system is failing, and that we're voting with our feet. It's not a chocolate-vanilla choice when it comes to good education... thoughtful homeschoolers, no matter what their homeschooling philosophy are mostly superior to most teachers (and certainly to the system overall) in terms of providing a good preparation, for college and for life. Believe me, the professors at my husband's university LOVE the homeschoolers. They know that *this* isn't a group they need to worry about.

I think that the "arrogance" issue as it's treated often mistakenly conflates the *objective fact* of a homeschool education usually being superior, with a *snooty I-am-better-than-you attitude*. They're two different things.

Obviously, people shouldn't be snooty. But if others take it on themselves to decide that my kids are receiving a great education, and they then feel guilty about not providing such an education to their own kids, and they then decide that I therefore *must* be "arrogant" because I'm confident that my kids are getting a better education than they could in public schools...that's really their problem, but it's not a matter of any arrogance on my part. My providing my kids with a great education has nothing to do with them. Unfortunately, that's a subtle point that many people don't understand. But I can't just pretend to be overly meek and humble to compensate for their mistake.

In short: Cheerful and confident, yes. Snootily comparing your kids' education to theirs', no.

[Marjorie]

as for me, I think I seem most arrogant when I am most insecure or defensive. When I'm feeling confident and content, I like to think that I can come across more as the 'kind' professor you mentioned in your post. Also, irritability can lead to arrogance, if you think someone is spouting doctrinal gibberish and didn't actually consider the topic themselves (say, about socialization), that can lead to arrogance. OR, combatting someone else's arrogance when I'm feeling low or tired or "off." Otherwise, I can smile and ignore it and wish them well!

[Silvia]

This is a great article--and good timing for me personally, too. :) I recently had a conversation with an acquaintance of my mother, concerning homeschooling, whom I perceived as arrogant. She doesn't have children, is retired, and just presented all the reasons it couldn't possibly work. She asked how it could work, basically, but then didn't listen to my responses at all. In my comments to her, I was not wanting to come across as hostile or arrogant myself, but I just didn't feel it was right to agree with her or not say anything, when I really knew she was uninformed and just plain wrong. When she made a statement that was wrong, I told her I had to disagree, and why. I felt that since I live the homeschooling life, I'm more of an "expert" on the subject. So does that make me arrogant?

[kate]

Now here's an observation that might raise some hackles. It is based on my own observations over the years that I've paid close attention to educational issues. Most homeschoolers I know are not in the least bit arrogant with the exception of some of the fundamentalist religious homeschoolers. I find them obnoxious in the most part because their reasons for homeschooling are simply to keep their children from being exposed to societal influences.

[Charley]

Arrogant!

That's the charge of the postmodern mindset to anyone who proclaims truth or who holds conviction. Since the postmodern mindset holds there can be no such knowledge, anyone who says they actually do know truth is banished with the charge of "arrogant!"

I wrote a lengthy post at my own blog (www.homedisciplingdad.blogspot.com/2007/08/its-that-time-of-year.html) as I discussed what John MacArthur had to say on the subject in his book, "The Truth Wars."

Charley
www.HomeDisciplingDad.blogspot.com
www.RiseUpAndGetSerious.blogspot.com

[Marjorie]

I'm intrigued and slightly confused by kate's comment. If I read it correctly, she finds that homeschoolers who keep their children out of school to avoid exposure to societal influences are arrogant. Well, I'm not a fundamentalist, but that's one reason I keep my kids out of school. I don't see how it's arrogant to avoid what you don't like, especially what you don't want for your kids. Are the Amish arrogant? I never considered it.

[Crimson Wife]

Extremists of any flavor tend to be the most arrogant- whether it's the "holier-than-thou" superfundamentalist religious believer or the IMHO equally obnoxious "crunchier-than-thou" hippie. Both are absolutely convinced that their life choices are *THE ONE TRUE WAY* for everyone and how *DARE* you make different decisions. You aren't a vegan? Didn't exclusively breastfeed for years? Didn't want a medication-free homebirth? Don't cloth diaper or use "Elimination Communication"? You vaccinated your kids? Had your boys circumcized? Oh, the *HORROR* of it all!

[Rebecca]

"How are we more arrogant than someone who flies their own plane, cooks their own meals or adds an addition to their own house? By saying "we can do this", is that being arrogant? To me, being arrogant is "I can do this, and you can't, and I'm better than you because of it." And I don't see anyone in the homeschooling world saying that. In fact, the message is quite the opposite: "I can do this, and so can you."

I LOVED this point. Excellent thought.

[Sandra Dodd]

I've been called arrogant. Several people above used the word "confidence" and that's what I have. If I had the excitement of brand-new confidence, I think "arrogance" might not be used, but I have the calm, unshakable years-of-experience confidence, and three older kids as evidence, that make those new to homeschooling want to prove me wrong sometimes, out of habit, I think.

A lot of people like to compromise, in life and in conversations. I haven't compromised in my beliefs about the benefits of allowing children lots of choices and freedom, and I don't split the difference in a conversation with someone who's never heard of unschooling yet is ready to explain condescendingly to me why it's laziness and won't work.

Unschoolers might seem more arrogant than other homeschoolers, because we have to defend ourselves for homeschooling, and then have to defend ourselves to the rest of the homeschoolers!

[bell]

Well now, I was searching for blogs on fitness or health when i came across this post. Although not exactly what I was expecting I will give it ****.